missing desperation

I enjoyed a great "walk and talk" yesterday with a beautiful friend. She told me about a huge struggle she'd experienced recently and how that struggle forced her to pray "God, I just can't do this!" She had such an intense dependence on God's goodness, guidance and love because she was just so needy. In the end, that neediness brought her so close to God's heart, she could hear, feel and see Him in ways that she never had before. When the struggle was resolved, she felt like she even missed her desperate state.... and asked God to keep her in a place of dependence on Him.

I came away from that conversation remembering the times I had felt that way - - and most of those times were really dark seasons in my life. Ironically, those dark seasons turned out to be the seasons of most "light" and growth in my relationship with Jesus. I know now that I wouldn't change a moment .... and I actually miss something in it....

Here's what I asked God for today: to feel that closeness and dependence on Him everyday, not only because I'm going through a tough time and in drastic need, but because someone else is in drastic need (and you don't have to go far to see that). I want my heart to beat like Jesus'.... aware of people around me... people He loves so desperately.

I pray that love will stop me and force me to depend on Him to help see the needs of others met -- to pray, to reach out and risk so that I can see others healed and whole.

Intense dependence on God's goodness, guidance and love because others are just so needy.... that is the feeling I'm desperate for.

mothering

I read a very compelling, and somewhat controversial article in the Toronto Star yesterday. I do love reading the paper, especially "human interest" type stories.... how people think, live, etc. This article, entitled "The right to bear children" made me really think. I thought of debating the subject, and writing a letter to the editor telling my strong opinions on the subject.

But then, I gave my thoughts a bit of rest, and I began to see that unless I "walk a mile in someone else's shoes"... I can't push my opinions into their life or beliefs. I may have a lot of life experience in mothering, and becoming a mother - - I may personally know about infertility, adoption, giving birth and possess lots of knowledge on various sides of these experiences.... but, who am I to decide who can become a mother and tell her how she can choose to fulfill that longing in her life?

Of course I would rather see extra money go towards keeping children alive in other parts of the world, and allowing those mothers to give and sustain life in a reality that brings so much despair and death. I would rather see a child who already has life welcomed into a loving family, rather than live out his days in a lonely institution, and after that...??

I have lots of wishes in my heart and mind as the topic "mother" becomes front and centre on this lovely spring day. Lots of wishes for my awesome kids close and not so close... and for kids who are not mine whom I will never meet... who long to be mothered.

I will let my mothering heart give all that it can in this beautiful life I have been so graciously given. All children are to be cherished and loved and mothered.... just as we are by our awesome heavenly Father.

Happy Mother's Day
xxoo

Transition

I think I really enjoy change. At least I know I almost always do when it's over. And, I think I've really had a lot of practice and experience accepting change in the past few years.

There is the kind of change that comes when we step, almost literally, from one event into another: like parenthood. It's a giant shift, and once it's there, it's there.

Then there are other kinds of change that are present for now, but will keep shifting: like parenting. It's true that throughout our lifetime of parenting, there will be lots and lots of transitions, adjustments and changes. Some of these are most welcome (like potty-training done!) and some are not as enjoyable (like a rebellious teen). But, all must be seen through until the next shift comes.

I like a definition for "transition" that I found: in music - a momentary modulation from one key to another - the first half of the melody (oxford american dictionaries). The first half of the melody... I love it! It helped me to see a bigger picture: Life is somewhat like a song, or an entire symphony in the making. It's like a book filled with loads of chapters, or a play with numerous acts. Each note is unique and every phrase creates a tune, with key changes that come deliberately or by sudden surprise.

I like that - it's our lives - full of transition and change. Accepting the changes or rejecting them won't necessarily make them move faster or become more melodic, it's more about what we do with each modulation, and where we're looking at the time.

Look up - look around - and look inside. God has the peace you need or the strength for you to grab... He has the courage for the jump, and the joy for the long transition.

I'm in transition now, in so many ways. The changes I've experienced, especially in the most recent years, have made me love this place and all I can find in it right now.... it's just the first half of the song, and I'm looking forward to hearing more.

Devin and me

I just re-read my last post about my incredible sons.... and I got a lump in my throat. Probably because I've just returned from visiting Devin in the beautiful land of Australia. Two days ago I landed on Canadian soil after an awesome 12 days away. It was such a treat!

The holiday was for me and Devin. Just me and him in his "new life" (that's what he passionately calls it!). Sure, I met a lot of other people, hung out in some really big crowds, and passed hundreds of faces on the lovely streets of the city of Sydney - - but they weren't the reason I traveled 22 hours on a plane - it was for Devin and me.

No matter how much you prepare yourself for things like this as a parent, you can never truly be prepared. You raise your son to the best of your ability through years of great adventure, perhaps a few struggles and all the in-between days. And, you even grow to really really like him. And then opportunity comes, decisions are made and you find yourself without him at home. In my case, you find him 22 airplane-miles away! Not easy.

All of me misses him, and would love to have him at the dinner table again. But after this trip, I would never wish him back here and away from his incredible new life - I could never be that selfish. I was glad to hear he misses me too (especially after this trip, he said) but he has absolutely no desire to return to my home (notice I said "my" home, not his...). And that's the way it should be.

When we stood at the airport saying good-bye after days filled with each other, I hugged him, kissed him and told him how much I love him and am proud of him. That's not a big surprise, because that's what any mom would do.... but it's the next thing that came as a big surprise: I didn't shed one tear! I didn't even feel like shedding one tear. And for me, that is a miracle. You see, I don't think Devin needed to see me cry right then. He has certainly had more than his fair share of seeing me cry over the years, and this just didn't need to be one of those times. I believe that God gave me a special moment where I showed joy and strength while I affirmed my son in his amazing new life.

With one more big smile and wave I walked into the airport feeling great - that was the perfect good-bye for us. And I knew I was leaving him in the best place possible.

Besides, I was able to let out my emotions just a few hours later while watching "Marley and Me" on my personal TV on the plane. I cried and cried more than I probably would have if I'd watched it at any other time... what a great outlet!

sons

Sons - I have 2 of them. They are quite different from each other.

They came into my life differently: one by good old-fashioned labour and delivery; the other by a unique adoption when he was already 7.

They look quite different: most noticeably? One is white - the other is black.

They choose different movies, make friends differently, and use their time differently.... now they even live in different countries: one is still here while the other is far away, down-under.

Last night I shed a tear while thinking about how much I miss one of them; today I helped to celebrate life with a truly "happy birthday" to the other.

Sons - I'm reminded to enjoy them both more in the absence of the one. I'm reminded that it's not their differences that make them so special - it's their uniqueness.

There is one area that I'm positive they don't differ in: they love each other freely and completely.

I have 2 great sons.

He's ONE

What kind of grammy am I, anyway?

One day late posting my precious grandson's birthday... it's just a sign of the season I'm in, I suppose: grandmothering!!

He is one. Incredible, amazing. As any grandmother will tell you - a grandchild is the best gift in the world!

And this grandchild has come with quite a story... following on the heels of his mother, who just happens to have quite a story herself.

The story is really one of grace, love and redemption - and it's far from over.

Oh - how I love him...
and I'm grateful the story includes me.

One day, I just may write a book:)

Happy birthday, sweetheart.